si desperate....

There's a recurring topic that has been running through my head-- Ex's.

As previous posts, they're pimples. Annoying ones that keep popping up and you just want to pop to get it over with. But apparently there are special cases. Cases wherein Ex's are more than just annoying pimples. (I don't have a word for it yet but they're more irritating)

He tells me that she already knows how i feel about it. Maybe she doesnt know its really about how i feel about her. (That desperate bitch!) "Ayoko ng issue hah..." she said. Then why does she persistently seek communication with my boy??

No. I know what you'll be thinking. "You just don't trust him..." blah blah blah. Fact: I actually do trust him. (Apparently i really do...) And this realization is what ticks me off. Is she assuming that he'll take the bait? It's really that assumption, seemingly confident assumption that makes me want to give her a shiner. and maybe break her nose. and maybe break a couple of bones too... maybe all.

So what do you do with something like this? (Really, cause i have no idea what...) I rant. But i really just want to erase her in the face of the earth...

They say God has reasons why... probably why i haven't really met her face to face. There was one time though. Unfortunately i couldn't drive fast enough. What it would have felt to meet two of his ex's face to face. One that's so quietly quaint and the other bitch that became the querida of the quietly quaint. I wondered, how come she didn't do anything when she saw her? Regardless if the boy's already an ex, i still would have slapped her. Just because she owes me. or maybe just because. (Yes. It was only recent as well that i found out i can be a violent person.. and i like it)

Hmmm... Maybe ill just call her desperate.

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

One afternoon in the swimming pool

Last saturday, while the sun was blaring, i went to our community pool at San Juanico. I had my ipod and my book for what i thought would be a quiet and relaxing alone time. Unfortunately, the place was packed with people and kids. (not to mention your koreans...)
After a moment of shock, i quickly realized that i needed to find a table to place my stuff. As i was looking around, i saw these group of kids staring at me. When i looked back, it was my baby cousin... who didnt seem to look like a baby anymore!
Last i saw her was when she was younger... far younger. Like the those kids wearing tutus and were shy. And then i saw her, in nothing but a bikini! and there was cleavage!
My instict told me to jump on the pool, cover her with a towel and have her go to her room! There were boys around! And they were her barkada! But then rational took over and i remembered what i was wearing... "hmmm yeah im wearing a bikini too..."
After calming down, one of her friends, whom i knew as well, was walking... with her boyfriend... who was smoking... and had his arm around her too... and i quickly turned to where my cousin was to check if some guy had his arms around my cousin!
I calmed down the second time... after lighting up my cigarette... i couldn't believe that i was checking up on her. with things i usually do...
Shet...

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

141

Moving to my second job, i had already prepared questions in my head for my Group Account Director. Having a semblance of knowledge from my previous agency, i inquired about processes, benefits, even about admin support. More importantly, i asked about the culture. Having to leave and agency like Harrison was hard especially if you hang out with the creatives more than your department.
He answered each questions like a true accounts person. In the middle of his explanations, i couldn't help but laugh at how i could see through his bullshit comments. "Accounts ka nga..."
With a decision in mind, i moved out of the world of Mccann to Bates. Surprisingly, i still asked more questions during my first weeks.
My new GAD worked in Singapore before going back here and worked for 141. With most of the people i know going if not planning to work in places like that (including Vietnam) i raised a question "Why'd you move back?".
He thought about it. A lot since i asked it that while we were walking to our meeting he stared straight at the road and said "Shet. You got me thinking about it." So sad. So confused.
I don't know if it was his responsibility here that compelled him to go back, or the desired need to runaway given his cancelled engagement, but he went back. He never really shared what was on his mind after that.
I guess what's important is not to dwell too much on decisions made in the past but on what you're planning for the future. It seems bright for him given the circumstances. The man's in love and doesn't seem lost anymore.


- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

Girl's night out

Last friday, with Ian out of the picture, Jinky and i decided to have our own girl's night out. My agency was holding another Dunhill event at the Embassy. (I love being in an ad agency...) Earlier that week, i had already told the Account Manager in charge of it to include my name in the guest list plus 1. So all we had to do was go there and enjoy the night.

And we did. The eclectic sound of Dunhill senses sent us into a euphoria accompanied by free cigarettes and of course, booze. Sounds from a flute calmed the senses of everyone, taking the stress away from the hectic week. Next was something new. A violinist came out. Hmmm... more calming tunes? After an introduction to his strings, the bass suddenly creeped in, and then series of sounds. It became a mix of classical and house. I have never heard anything more tantric. It was beautiful.

I was drinking the vodka mixes like water. Jinky on the other hand had been more moderate. By the time she'd sip her drink... i would have finished mine... hmmm... Jinky humored me by saying "So this is what hell looks like..." Maybe it was the smoke in the room, the overflowing alcohol and the sexy chikas going around to give out free premium cigarettes on a tray that gave it away...

and then there was dancing... I had my officemates with me, the likes of Paul, Maki, Faye, Denise, etc. By the time the party started, people had already accumulated. Which meant you had to dance to get through the other side of Embassy. Since we had the couch to ourselves, People kept on passing through in front of us. Normal. But then these two guys suddenly stopped beside me. Thinking they just wanted to stay there, i figured sige lang! But then i heard the funniest line... The guy beside me was trying to make a move. I could hear his breath on my face when he looked back where his friend was and asked... Pare, anung sasabihin ko? I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant. His other friend, more confident but with less height, asked if they could dance with me and Jinky. I said Sure! Why not right?

Wrong. While everyone else, including us, we're facing the stage, these two blokes were (trying to) dancing in front of us. And seemed to have formed a circle... So while they danced, we ignored.

And still ignored through the rest of the night.

After a while they finally realized we weren't interested. But before making an exit, one of them asked for my number. Clutching Paul in one hand i had to hesitantly* decline (*only because i felt sorry for the guys) and said that i was with my boyfriend (referring to Paul... who's gay by the way). Then they asked for Jinky's number which she wholeheartedly declined to give... No! (Angas mo girl!!!)

There's really no morale in the story. Only the realization that though we've been manangs for so long May asim pa rin kami!!!

And maybe that hell doesn't look too bad...

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

demons

For the past few days, i've been feeling down, borderlining to depression. Why? I don't know. Start of the week, my senior asked me if i was ok. "Huh?". He said that it seems like something's bothering me, and that it goes deeper than my monthly cramps. I relayed Jason's question to ian and he asked me "So are you?".
I have no idea why or if i really am. There are some ideas that popped out earlier while i was having my alone-time at work. I was smoking upstairs and these things, horrible thoughts just came out of my thoughts. Bottomline, it was a feeling of disappointment. Worst of all it wasn't because i did something wrong. Still not clear. Horrible, horrible thoughts.
There were constant nagging. It pained me everytime. Each thought seemed like a physical blow At the end of it all, i felt weakened. Defeated by the demons inside my head.
Maybe this is why i feel so tired at the end of the day.

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

blurb

Since last night, i've been reading previous posts from my blog. While i was reading, i was trying to remember the events that led me to write them. Most of the entries i remembered vividly, but some surprised me. I couldn't even hear my voice when i was reading it!
Call me vain, but i actually found the entries interesting. Some though was just a bore. (don't lie now...) I've kept this for 3 years already and i don't think i'll be resigning from this anytime soon. I may be writing less and less now. Maybe because i drown myself with only two things now, my work and ian. Not healthy, i realize that now. So i made an effort last saturday. I called up jinky and dragged her out of her house for a beer. (which she ended up making libre with her magical coupons...).
Something came over me that night and i was giddier than ever. Jinky and i couldn't stop talking even when yogi finally dropped by. It was wierd. It was comforting.
It made me look back at how we were then. Always out and about looking for the next adventure. and then there we were at Cable Car talking about migrating, finances...
As i looked back through my blog, i try to write as passionately as i can. But instead i spent a long time staring at the white screen of my computer.
Nothing. Not that there aren't any new and exciting stories to tell but i don't feel like writing.
How could i have wrote so well then and find myself clueless now?
Maybe this is me jaded. After 3 years i finally realize that it's always the same story.


- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

tattoed ian

Ian finally got a tattoo. It was a design he made himself for one of the comic books he and Mervs are doing right now. Shet kainggit. It looks great!!!
It was done by one of the more popular tattoo artists around, Joe S. (Known for being the one who does the Greyhounds and Wolfgang's tattooes-- hope i'm right here). And just his luck, Joe's studio is just in BF.
Ian, Afro and Cent dropped by the house for a little show and tell. Unfortunately, Afro's girl didn't want him to get another one... When i asked if it hurt during the process, he said that it just felt like sunburn. And even got ticklish at some parts.
"No, really... did you cry?" i asked in disbelief. "Hindi ha! ..." and Ian started sniffling. But he was really ok.
Tsk. Kainis. Just in time for the beach this summer.

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.