pressured... and tired

I dread this day. PMSing is not funny, not funny at all! It's extremely dangerous to pair it with panic and stress. Why didn't i quit my org in my senior year again? Im young, and jaded. Yes, like Aerosmith's song. Drugs you say? Not my forte. People seem to think it's wise to just let it all go with a pill. Pasting a permanent grin on your face does not amuse me somehow.
I was at my sanctuary a while ago-- the smokers pocket garden. Unfortunately i've postponed quitting. I sat there alone, contemplating on the events of the day. Setting up the booth for Stickon, putting up the tarps, trying not to be late for classes, panicking here and there... the air was cool, but sweat was on my forehead from walking around the campus. Then manong passes by. One of the maintenance personnel that i've been seeing around since 1st year. He crossed the CTC building to SOM, minding his own business. He grabbed a chair from one of the classrooms and carried it back to CTC. It seems so easy to do his job. No worries. I know that life for him may be complicated than that and that i am more fortunate than him, but the simplicity of the work somehow makes me envious. He just had to get a chair and carry it to the other building, whereas i had to carry the load of heading a project to success. Eyes all around, expectations higher than the simple janitor.
Pressure can get in the way of perspective, but what if what pressure really does is open you to reality?

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

You

I walked into a familiar room
Brighter than yesterday
I looked around
but then I found
That there was no you

The sun shone bright in your room
So grand in blue
I stopped my steps
And held my breath
As tears drowned out my eyes

Whisper those words I once heard
Hold out the hand that once held mine
Give me the man...
Give me you

i just happen to know a goth...

You're a Romantic goth...(Go you!) Your beauty is
beyond belief, and you have a quiet, and
nurturing understanding for everything, and
everyone around...and perhaps, you have a
fondness for vampires aswell?

What Common Gothic Stereo-type Are You?
brought to you by

missing the blog

For some strange and unforeseen reason i can't seem to log-on my blog, even any other blogs for that matter. I find it frustrating. A lot has been running in my mind lately, a lot of things had happened. Things that i wish i could share in more detail. The other night, i took out my real journal and looked back at what happened in the past. I guess it's true what they said about reading, and how they sometimes take you in a different place, a different time. In this case, i was sent back to the past. Even then i wrote long entries so i'm not surprised at the length of my blogs... i was whisked through time, in a setting i once knew too well. There were happy moments, and heartbreaks one way or another. Some i thought were childish and id simply laugh at it, but some were memories i could never forget, the times when i fell down, and getting up from all the ruble. Writing is a good thing. I read on my past, and saw myself.

i'm 21

Today i turned 21. I woke up not feeling any different from yesterday. I'm still stressed, i still hate school... But i realized one thing-- I am getting old!

After highschool, there was a surplus of invites for vaious debuts... now? invites for baby showers and weddings... no wonder i wasn't invited for any other parties (of debuts and such) its because everyone else is off getting married! it's sad though.. everyone seems to be moving, going with the flow of age and i'm stuck being single. I can only watch them as a bridesmaid as they make vows.

How can a 21 yr old single female survive at this age?

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

wake me when im 21...

A few more hours and i'll be 21. You ask yourself questions-- some are shallow... some are, well even more shallow. What have i done in my 21 years? It's funny that this is the only time that i really thought about my age and my life. my 18th wasn't really too much of a big deal. But now it seems that i have to think about it. Last night in Chino's house i finally saw my pregnant friend. She still looked great, and that's all i can say for the rest of us. But this got me to thinking. Her boyfriend, who happens to be my friend, was talking... then those words... "blah blah blah MY baby...". It was inspiring (to have a baby hehe) and at the same time scary. When does things fall into perspective? when does real maturity start? and why am i still short? ahaha

There are so much things that i still want to do with my life. Things that maybe are hard to achieve but it's worth working hard for, worth trying my best. Never say that you can't handle it anymore, (unless you're bleeding to death.. or making someone else bleed) never give up. Never surrender. Regret is worse than failure.

Crap, what will i do with my life? it seems that time goes by faster and faster as you get older. and your buffet table gets smaller and smaller...

wake me when im 21...

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

first times...part II

I was driving my mom to Southmall this afternoon. It’s Thursday, and it was traffic along Zapote road. I wanted to take the shortcut and use the Friendship route but I was already in front of Nissan and decided to just go through the traffic. It was going smoothly until my brother called my mom. He needed to use my car. At that time we were halfway to SM. My mom on the other hand told me to turn around. So I did. I was at the leftmost of my lane and the opposite lane seemed free. But I still took precaution and proceeded slowly. Just as I was turning, a motorcycle overtook to the opposite lane and rammed my left bumper. PUTANGINAAAA!!! (Excuse me.)

I was shocked at what had just happened. Cars behind me were honking already pissed at the traffic and was not amused by the accident. I didn’t know what to do. Then the guy on the bike, after hitting me, pointed his finger at me as if it was my fault. I got pissed. My mom asked me to just stay in the car. I told her I had to see what had happened to my car first while they were still there. I got out. There were two men on that stupid bike. I didn’t freaking care! I got out, looked at my bumper and just saw light scratches on the bumper near the left wheel. Then the guy asked “hindi mo ba ako narinig bumusina?”. I said “Sa dinami-daming bumubusina, tingin mo narinig ko yung sa iyo?”. I think I yelled a little. I wanted to say so much more, but in my mind I was ranting in English and knew that it was still impolite to yell at someone in a language they wont understand. I didn’t want to cuss either. Pero PUTANGINAAA!!! The other guy said “ok lang yan, maliit lang naman eh”. He was referring to the scratch near the wheel. I asked my mom. All she said was “get in”. I wanted to get his license but didn’t. I understood that my mom didn’t want to cause any commotion in traffic because we weren’t helping by stalling the lane. So I left. With suppressed anger.

We had to stop by Caltex before going home. I could see my mom looking at me. At this point I was quiet, not because of shock but because I was angry. When I parked, I went out to check the damage closely. Lo and behold, it was worse than I previously thought it was. The little scratch wasn’t the only scratch in my car. There were two deep scratches at the lower left side of my bumper. TWO SONS OF B*TCHES! But wait! There’s more! My left bumper fell a little. Crap! Crap! Crap! My baby was ruined… After gassing up, we went home. My brother looked at the car. At first he looked puzzled looking for where the scratch was, and then a look of shock after seeing 2 long, thick line of stripped paint on the bumper.

I wanted to scream, yell and make a scene… hmm… kinda reminds you of someone right? Ahehe. I wanted to kill that guy!

My mom knows me too well. She took the other car and we went to Town Center. We watched a movie. Stepford’s Wives. It’s really nice watching it with your mom. She loved it. Said that it was the first film she had fun watching. After that I calmed down. But I still want to kill that person, or at least rebuke his license… revenge… I need revenge…

I hate motorcycles…

- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

first times...

I just got home from one of my org's party in makati. It was reliving the 80's all over again. It was my first time to go to dreambar in 6750, and it was my first time as an adult to actually dress up in costume.Well the 80's weren't bad. In fact i actually like it. It wasn't hard finding clothes since almost most of my clothes are 80's inspired!
I got there early. It wasn't traffic going there from alabang. Met up with LaSalle contact for my project. After a while people started pouring in. Orange and lemons played 80's song like those from Sting and The Police, and some Beatles songs. HE would have loved it.
Saw many people there including those i didnt expect. Byron was there. Wierd. and then there was Gino. When i saw him i had to hug him and he hugged me tight. It was like HE was there again. Being around Gino brought more memories back, good memories. He stayed beside me almost the whole time he was there. We'd kid around, make fun of people. It was nice. It was the first time we hung out by ourselves, without HIM around...=)
Then me and Cara, my VP, had to come upstage to introduce our project. The image of the sticker was showing on the television.. thanks to me of course!!! im such a genius... made a vcd in less than an hour.. uhum.. thank you thank you! It was nice being on stage. I was actually fluent! my friends of course were cheering... nothing like the crowd yelling "Shali! you're so hot!" to make your night.
The party was so successful that the place was packed. It was so filled up it wasn't even funny anymore. I had to get out of that place. Made my way out, pausing to say hi to people i knew. Then i realized i was hungry and looked for Cara. Cha was there and told me Cara was in starbucks. I guess i wasnt the only one hungry. So we all decided to go to Greenbelt. Cara and Cha had to leave but Zig and a friend of his ate with me at BubbaGump. first time to eat there. So we talked and Guads and Giselle came by. We talked about relationships, being masochist, bitter and the whole enchelada of LOVE. haha
It was only 1am, but i already felt sleepy. I didnt care if it was still considered early but i had to go. A sign of being mature? maybe. maybe not.
said goodbye to them and went home.
- Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like it's your last.

hehe... i've quit na... God help me...=) 

to do list..

i understand what my friend joyce has been ranting in our team blog... so many work so little time. I have a lot in my to do list and i haven't even finished half of it. I wanted this day to be very productive.

I listed down all the things i had to do. from the easiest to the hardest. After listing it all down and highlighting it i took off, doing the first thing on my list, ahh... theo handouts.

I went to ate alma's place, and took my handouts.

Next? contact my project head for reminders. Did that while i was waiting for ate alma to finish photocopying my papers.

Everything seemed to go well until i realized i had to do other little stuff as well on the side, like remind other schools about the launch of my project, not to mention read the handouts...

I told myself to study for eco. God knows i really need to.

I'm only half done with my organizational behavior homework. want it all done by tonight but the night seems to sing lullabies for me to sleep early.

Stress seems to be banging hard on my door but i want it out of my system. speaking of which, i smoked a cigarette a while ago at Joyce's house.

Fights here and there again within the barkada. Sometimes you don't know what is right anymore. Maybe truth is subjective. If Dr. Ibana, my philosophy teacher could hear me now he'd fail me. he said that truth is never subjective. It is truth on it's own. we interpret it whatever we want but it is its own reality whether we think of it or not, be biased or whatever. it exists because that reality happened. and in only that moment can you truly understand what that truth is.

I really need to study.. or sleep...

I want to graduate already and be done with it. I really do need a break from all these.

hmm.. maybe that should be on my priority list...

a story...

apart from my hangover right now, i find myself missing him. i checked my pictures i saved in my computer and looked at the few images we took before he left. I see his face but i felt like i didnt know him anymore. i attribute this to the fact that we really only got to talk start of this year. It was short, but it seemed a lifetime for me. I look for him at times i'm alone, contemplating on my day. I see myself looking at my phone in the middle of my class waiting for an SMS that would never happen. Starbucks seems like an off limits place nowadays. Memories of the many nights spent hanging out with menthol cigarettes at hand. I've already succeeded in quitting by the way. It's been a long time too since i've visited my runaway place. Don't get me wrong, i still feel the urge to runaway but my spot held too many nice memories with him.
It was funny how things turned out. Last year, right about this time, we were talking over yahoo messenger. He was in kentucky, i was here. We would talk about how we were, stuff thats been happening and relationships. At this point he was already telling me about his girlfriend then, and how he wanted to break up with her. At that time i was mad, being in the position of the girl being put down. This was the time my ex wasn't talking to me. We both had problems and we were there talking in the afternoon, our time. He told me he'd be going home for christmas, dec 23 hed be here. December came but he didnt text. I didnt mind then since i was preoccupied myself with other stuff. January, classes started. I was at the library with my blockmates and i suddenly had an urge to wish he would text me. I swear i'm not lying when i say that after a few minutes of thinking that, i recieved a text message from someone, and it said 'allo there!' i thought to myself that this was him! but i had to reserve myself and asked who it was. he replied. it was him. we texted for a while planning our promised dinner we made over YM. a week after i had to drop off my french dictionary at my carpoolmate's house. knowing all too well that his house was near my friend's i texted him asking if he was home. when he didnt reply i thought he was busy so i went home. that night he texted back, apologizing and said that he was home. he asked why. i told him that i passed by my friend's house which was near his and was wondering if i could pass by. He told me i could... but i was already at home. he insisted but i made an excuse that my mom used my car so i had no way. then he called me up on the cel. i swear, when i heard his voice, my heart skipped a beat, my knees were weak and my smile was up to my ears... i resisted telling him it was late already but he begged me to go and that he'd pick me up. i agreed. i called up claire cause i didnt know what to do that time. he hasn't called me up at this point. So i went against what she told me, i went with him. He picked me up and he looked... thin. but still cute.
this was the beginning of our beautiful friendship. Most nights were spent with him, and on occasions with his friends. school nights were not off limits. id still find a way to go out for coffee, and talks.. and cigs...
Then july came and he had to leave. it was horrible for me. then i couldnt contact him for a week. actually, he didnt contact me. but when he added me again in his new YM id, we were back to normal. he was looking for me, and was complaining that it was hard to get a hold of me in the net. things got cleared when we got to talk. then i can't contact him anymore, not because of hatred or anything, but because of his "school". from nonexistent conversations, to YM, to hanging out, to YM, to nonexistent conversations.... =) its funny.
i really miss him. i only hope he's doing well where he is right now. and i only wish that he's thinking about me too... hwaaaa i want him back.

2 girls, dencios and pitchers of margaritas

i dread this day more than any other day. I went out drinking with jinky last night. and what started as an innocent get together ended up with 2 finished pitchers of margarita. thanks to the help of jinky's knight and shining armor (that's yogi), i got to drive jinky and myself home safe. It was only 1230am. Too early? not if you have your day of prayer (better known as a retreat) the next day. Yes children, i had to go to school on a sunday. EARLY... Spent the whole day there... with a hangover. What pissed me so much wasn't the fact that i had to wake up early on a weekend just to go to school, (although it does merit some sort of award), Dr. Parco, our irritating theo proffessor had a freakin whistle and was tooting on it to call on us. Not very funny when your brain is ready to explode. this definitely is not my day. it's already 730pm and my head still hurts. i tried sleeping but i cant seem to. there are tons of work to do for this week and need i mention the microeco test i have on thurs. aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!!!! i want out! HELP!

torn between two lovers

Last night was a special night for me. Apart from having brothers lamb burger for dinner( with onion rings of course) i finally got the discipline to go to the gym and sweat all the cholesterol i just ate. hahahah. So i went there, sweated it all off and left at closing time. when i finally got home, my dad brought out the wine. Woohoo! hurrah for me. I drank it like water. I've been wanting to open some of the bottles at home but fear of my mothers wrath overwhelmed me.
Right before I was going to bed, Joyce texts me. She wanted me to log on the net. My head wasn't straight then.
the world was moving.
but she insisted i did so... i did.
She wanted to set me up with a guy she knows. she wanted me to check him out on friendster, which i did. High on the alcohol, i cruised through the world wide web looking for a potential boy. Hmmm.. he wasnt half bad. Unfortunately, my lover was nagging ang urging me to sleep. Its hard having a relationship with alcohol, they always get their way! So i had to bid them goodbye.
That night was the best night i've slept for days. My lover sure knows how to cradle his baby to bed. Can't wait to see him again tonight!!! haha

an ode to my love

i saw my dream at the corner of my eye

full...
fresh...

perfection.

It was haunting me, drawing me to come closer.

I hesitated.
Resisted.

Gave in.

I took off the delicate wear

and tasted sin itself.


Hassel nga lang ang mahal!

Brothers LambBurger.
Satisfy your Urge. hehe ang sarap kasi.